Where do I go from here?

The process has began,change  was needed,so where do I go from here?

When I was a little girl I always dreamed that my wedding day would be one that people would never forget. I had it all planned I was going to get married at twenty-five,have my first child at thirty.I was going to be a best selling author,living in a nice quaint community with good schools,and lots of community service events I could participate in.Funny thing is due to a conversation I had with someone,when I was twenty,I didn't want to get married anymore. I mean if you can't be with the one you love....
Anyway I had my babies and focused on raising them then by the time I turned twenty-five I said I will be married by thirty.What's funny is very few people believed me. People who really knew me knew that you can never tell me I can't do something.
I guess my twenty-ninth year must have been the craziest year cause I was engaged twice that year. Although I was thirty when I got married,it wasn't but a month in.
Looking back,I did it cause I wanted to prove a point, instead of just waiting for what God had for me, I went after the right now.
Sad part is I prayed some crazy prayers and none of them came through,lol. I was asking questions I already knew the answers to.
I even fixed my mouth to say "Lord if this is my husband,we will have a baby". I know right. He kept saying to me "It's not my fault you can't get pregnant".
This is where it got kinda funny when you look back at it. I got pregnant twice.
One day I was thinking and I said I guess it happened to prove to him that I could,but I didn't have it cause he was not my husband. Yeah God has an awesome sense of humor!
My dream showed my husband and I raising our child as a unit. He never put in any work around here so I'm sure I would have had to handle everything on my own.

I still have my dreams and aspirations,and I'm sure they will happen sooner than later.I am a firm believer that  it doesn't take forever to know what you want.I know that my one is still out there. And I am convinced that when we cross paths we both will know.
Matter of fact Ima throw this one out in the atmosphere: It is going to happen at the most inopportune moment and we both will know it!

In the meantime I will utilize my own advice and wait. Check out the scenery,enjoy the view and all the little,breathtaking moments that tend to leave me speechless.

Change is needed

Once you have embarked on your process, you must decided what direction your journey will lead to next.
No one made me get married. I wanted to be saved from numerous situations only to create even more complex ones.The signs were there yet I walked past them thinking that with time and patience things would be better. I am a woman who needs her mind,body and soul stimulated. I need mental and physical stimulation and well I had neither. I am a firm believer that change begins with you.I didn't like who I was with or who I was becoming and after I tried everything I could think of, it was time to let it go.
I needed out before I began to hate him or he began to hate me. I knew it was official when he grabbed my arm and I literally got sick. The people around me saw the drastic change that occurred in the seven years he and I were together and the major difference it made when it was over.
Doctors had no idea how to treat me,no idea what to do with me,and they pretty much had given up on me.I had faith that I would be made whole again,even if no one else believed.

I am happy to report that I am back to doing what makes me happy. I wake up every morning with a smile on my face,and some days it hurts because I have not smiled in so long. When I laugh ,I really laugh,from deep within.What's even crazy is people say "girl you glowing",I start blushing, because I never realized it until now.
It feels good to have people in your corner for the right reasons. I have my sisters who go to bat for me and they truly only want me to be happy.No matter what I tend to go through,They are just a skip,hop,and jump away.

The fun loving energetic me has resurfaced and I have thrown caution to the wind and I am just ready to enjoy life and all it has to offer. It's funny how the older people see me and say somebody got your nose wide open. I am often saying un uh. But truth be told,I am just happy. I haven't been this happy in years.The last time I cried tears of joy was when my kids gave me an award for Mothers Day.

It's been a long time coming.And I am glad for second chances.Often times we have to go through a process to learn a lesson and to be able to know how to take care of a blessing when we receive it. Many things we want,we don't get right away because it's not meant for us at that time.We have to stay true to ourselves and wait for our season.

The Process

You can talk about doing something till your blue in the face,until you follow thru,it's just that,talk. For the past year I have been going through an emotional roller coaster trying to figure out what I was going to do with my situations.One thing has always deemed true,you may help someone else sort out their mess,but you can never seem to sort out your own.

For seven years I fought the battle of good and evil vs right and wrong,only to end up at the place I am today.I asked a question awhile back, "What do you do when your relationship turns into a friendship". I realize now that there should have been a friendship established already before a relationship was even started. One should know how to communicate his or her feelings to their partner and how to express themselves.
I was so focused on being a good woman,and giving him everything I thought he needed from me,I lost myself.I went in a happy go lucky person ready to take on the world and within a year I was down and out feeling like there was no end in site.
When I would say how I felt no one seemed to understand what I was saying. Nor were they trying to help me make sense out of it.I was always told to go seek help from the Lord.I felt how could I,I didn't seek him when I got into this mess.I continued to smile when I really wanted to scream like a damn fool! I laughed, when I wanted to just cry. No one saw the pain I was dealing with.No one said its ok, cut your loses and move on. Instead I heard,we were happy for you cause we thought that's what you wanted. Or my all time favorite, "you made your bed, now lay in it"!

One thing I can truly say is no matter what it is, when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, you will make changes in your life. The first thing I had to do was mentally prepare myself for this process.I have never really been alone. Someone has always been in my life rather it was just a friend or someone I was dealing with. I am not a person who likes a painful journey,I have some cool exes,we get along very well. And I extended that same olive branch to him when I decided enough was enough.

This process I am dealing with know is both a mental as well as an emotional one. I want to really know what love is by the time I am forty.I want to know what real passion feels like. I want to know that no matter the situation, I have a hero who will stand with me through the storm.

I have come to realize that waiting is not always a bad thing,it will enlighten us with details we would have missed had we jumped the gun and rushed into something neither person was ready for. Marriage is a responsibility not everyone is equipped for. there is more to it than just sex and cooking. If your mate has no emotional or physical connection to you ,then  not only are you fighting a loosing battle, but you may need to start your own process......................

Divalicious