Goodbye 2011

Every year we make New Years resolutions that we don't keep. We start out saying we're going to loose weight, only to give up by the second week in January. We vow to turn over a new leaf, get rid of the things in our life that don't mean us any good, only to turn around and replace them with something or someone far worse than what you got rid of in the first place.

I've seen some highs and lows this year and I made up in my mind I can't do nothing but get better. I will not allow the foolishness that some people have used to try and destroy me steal my joy. Change begins within, and it is up to us to pick the path we travel,as well as pay attention to our surroundings so that we may reach our destination safely. 

Not everything in life is going to be a bed of roses,however it doesn't have to be stinking pile of shit either.

Live everyday like it's your last,enjoy every experience good or bad, and never let someone else choose your journey!

I am thankful for the lessons learned, and I am looking forward to my next destination.

Be blessed and have a prosperous New Year!

Starting Over

We can spend so much of our lives carrying other people till we forget how to carry ourselves.
I don't believe in being bitter about things that happen in my life, I charge it all to the game. You can either accept it,learn from it and move on, or allow it to gnaw at you till you go crazy. I can bet you  one thing though, the other party is not gonna be sitting there worrying  about you or your feelings.

I only cried over one man and then I sucked it up and drunk me a glass of phuc it and haven't shed a tear since. Do I like being alone? No. But if I am in a relationship by myself, then I need to be alone. If I'm the only one fighting for the right and you can't understand my feelings, then it's not we that need to work on it it's you.

I have learned that those that are designed to help you end up hurting you as opposed to those who enter your life by coincidence. It hurts to let some people go, but it's necessary. Once we have learned the lesson, we have to apply it and move on. Some of us want to hold on to some people as a just in case policy.And then we get mad when it comes back to bite us in the ass.

Yesterday and I look forward to tomorrow. I am thankful for my past and blessed for my future. I will take all the lessons I've collected on this journey and use them as tools to get through the road ahead. Thank you to all those who played a part in my old life because very few are in my new one!

When God moves,let him do his job.He got you there in one piece didn't he?

Where do I go from here?

The process has began,change  was needed,so where do I go from here?

When I was a little girl I always dreamed that my wedding day would be one that people would never forget. I had it all planned I was going to get married at twenty-five,have my first child at thirty.I was going to be a best selling author,living in a nice quaint community with good schools,and lots of community service events I could participate in.Funny thing is due to a conversation I had with someone,when I was twenty,I didn't want to get married anymore. I mean if you can't be with the one you love....
Anyway I had my babies and focused on raising them then by the time I turned twenty-five I said I will be married by thirty.What's funny is very few people believed me. People who really knew me knew that you can never tell me I can't do something.
I guess my twenty-ninth year must have been the craziest year cause I was engaged twice that year. Although I was thirty when I got married,it wasn't but a month in.
Looking back,I did it cause I wanted to prove a point, instead of just waiting for what God had for me, I went after the right now.
Sad part is I prayed some crazy prayers and none of them came through,lol. I was asking questions I already knew the answers to.
I even fixed my mouth to say "Lord if this is my husband,we will have a baby". I know right. He kept saying to me "It's not my fault you can't get pregnant".
This is where it got kinda funny when you look back at it. I got pregnant twice.
One day I was thinking and I said I guess it happened to prove to him that I could,but I didn't have it cause he was not my husband. Yeah God has an awesome sense of humor!
My dream showed my husband and I raising our child as a unit. He never put in any work around here so I'm sure I would have had to handle everything on my own.

I still have my dreams and aspirations,and I'm sure they will happen sooner than later.I am a firm believer that  it doesn't take forever to know what you want.I know that my one is still out there. And I am convinced that when we cross paths we both will know.
Matter of fact Ima throw this one out in the atmosphere: It is going to happen at the most inopportune moment and we both will know it!

In the meantime I will utilize my own advice and wait. Check out the scenery,enjoy the view and all the little,breathtaking moments that tend to leave me speechless.

Change is needed

Once you have embarked on your process, you must decided what direction your journey will lead to next.
No one made me get married. I wanted to be saved from numerous situations only to create even more complex ones.The signs were there yet I walked past them thinking that with time and patience things would be better. I am a woman who needs her mind,body and soul stimulated. I need mental and physical stimulation and well I had neither. I am a firm believer that change begins with you.I didn't like who I was with or who I was becoming and after I tried everything I could think of, it was time to let it go.
I needed out before I began to hate him or he began to hate me. I knew it was official when he grabbed my arm and I literally got sick. The people around me saw the drastic change that occurred in the seven years he and I were together and the major difference it made when it was over.
Doctors had no idea how to treat me,no idea what to do with me,and they pretty much had given up on me.I had faith that I would be made whole again,even if no one else believed.

I am happy to report that I am back to doing what makes me happy. I wake up every morning with a smile on my face,and some days it hurts because I have not smiled in so long. When I laugh ,I really laugh,from deep within.What's even crazy is people say "girl you glowing",I start blushing, because I never realized it until now.
It feels good to have people in your corner for the right reasons. I have my sisters who go to bat for me and they truly only want me to be happy.No matter what I tend to go through,They are just a skip,hop,and jump away.

The fun loving energetic me has resurfaced and I have thrown caution to the wind and I am just ready to enjoy life and all it has to offer. It's funny how the older people see me and say somebody got your nose wide open. I am often saying un uh. But truth be told,I am just happy. I haven't been this happy in years.The last time I cried tears of joy was when my kids gave me an award for Mothers Day.

It's been a long time coming.And I am glad for second chances.Often times we have to go through a process to learn a lesson and to be able to know how to take care of a blessing when we receive it. Many things we want,we don't get right away because it's not meant for us at that time.We have to stay true to ourselves and wait for our season.

The Process

You can talk about doing something till your blue in the face,until you follow thru,it's just that,talk. For the past year I have been going through an emotional roller coaster trying to figure out what I was going to do with my situations.One thing has always deemed true,you may help someone else sort out their mess,but you can never seem to sort out your own.

For seven years I fought the battle of good and evil vs right and wrong,only to end up at the place I am today.I asked a question awhile back, "What do you do when your relationship turns into a friendship". I realize now that there should have been a friendship established already before a relationship was even started. One should know how to communicate his or her feelings to their partner and how to express themselves.
I was so focused on being a good woman,and giving him everything I thought he needed from me,I lost myself.I went in a happy go lucky person ready to take on the world and within a year I was down and out feeling like there was no end in site.
When I would say how I felt no one seemed to understand what I was saying. Nor were they trying to help me make sense out of it.I was always told to go seek help from the Lord.I felt how could I,I didn't seek him when I got into this mess.I continued to smile when I really wanted to scream like a damn fool! I laughed, when I wanted to just cry. No one saw the pain I was dealing with.No one said its ok, cut your loses and move on. Instead I heard,we were happy for you cause we thought that's what you wanted. Or my all time favorite, "you made your bed, now lay in it"!

One thing I can truly say is no matter what it is, when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, you will make changes in your life. The first thing I had to do was mentally prepare myself for this process.I have never really been alone. Someone has always been in my life rather it was just a friend or someone I was dealing with. I am not a person who likes a painful journey,I have some cool exes,we get along very well. And I extended that same olive branch to him when I decided enough was enough.

This process I am dealing with know is both a mental as well as an emotional one. I want to really know what love is by the time I am forty.I want to know what real passion feels like. I want to know that no matter the situation, I have a hero who will stand with me through the storm.

I have come to realize that waiting is not always a bad thing,it will enlighten us with details we would have missed had we jumped the gun and rushed into something neither person was ready for. Marriage is a responsibility not everyone is equipped for. there is more to it than just sex and cooking. If your mate has no emotional or physical connection to you ,then  not only are you fighting a loosing battle, but you may need to start your own process......................

Divalicious

Taking My Life Back........Part 2

A few weeks after that ordeal I was hospitalized.In a nutshell I was doing too much.I had reached my breaking point.God had told me to slow down,but I would speedup and that's when he had to intervene and make come to a complete stop.I had to learn how to allow other people to take care of me,(I have yet to master that)He was cool at first,but after bout three days in the hospital,he started tripping.I wasn't in a position to talk so I said go home!After a week they sent me home with nurses and physical therapist and all the bells and whistles.A few months later my mom had quadruple bypass surgery.I went to the hospital and stayed a whole week until she came home.I was told you ain got no business out there let someone else do it.I said "that's MY momma right or wrong she gave me life and I ain leaving till she leave and if you got a problem with it you need to be gone when I get there"!We ain have no more lip bout that!

I was telling myself,"you got lost in everyone else".I stayed in the beginning because failure is not an option.But if you are in a place that you are not destined to be then how are you failing?This man has literally made me sick.I had minor ailments growing up but never this bad.I hurt from time to time that's normal.the older I get the worse it seems to get but I did something that no one knew I was doing.I went and checked in a hotel for four days by myself.Didn't have a sick day the entire time.I've gone out with the girls or stayed the night with friends and you guessed it,no problems.I know that I can recover from what ever is ailing me,but the only way it will truly happen is if I be true to myself.This morning I decided that I will live life and not exist in it.I have the information I need to go forth with walking away from this madness and never looking back.I know what God's voice sounds like now,and I know that he will answer you with a calming voice,and if you do not hear him,he will get his point across.I am practicing patience and although I am known for expressing myself and being upfront,I am going to sit on my hands and allow the man to take the lead.I might even try being submissive....okay that's a bit much but I plan on doing what is needed so that when my real husband arrives,I can receive him and give him all of me

Someone who will captured my heart a long time ago,had to remind me,Miss.Positivity that there is light at the end of the tunnel.Thank you for reminding me of who I am and I long to be, and um can I have my heart back?

Taking My Life Back........

Today is suppose to be a day of celebration and joy.My Aunt is slowly but surely embarking on her goal to live to be 100.She turned 83 today and it was just bittersweet.It's funny things always happen on a day you will remember for the rest of your life.While I am preparing to relaunch my business and prepare to leave Florida,I am also about to prepare to live life by myself.

I woke up at 4:30 this morning  with my thoughts in heavy rotation.I struggled and fought with alot of things.In the midst of this fight and struggle I realized that I have always lived my life for others.I did what I was programmed to do. I  realize what my friend has been telling me all the time and that's the truth.God has a great sense of humor. He will place people in our lives for unknown and unforeseen reasons.
I have prayed many prayers asking God to show me if this man was my husband,and each time little things would happen and I neglected it because it was to small for the naked eye to see. Two months in I knew this was not where I was suppose to be. Everything he said we were going to do before "I do", we no longer could afford it.This was so not the vision in my head that I had when I thought of marriage.I was raised in a household where my aunt and uncle never fought in front of me and they NEVER went to bed mad.

I married a man that was the complete opposite of me and anyone I dealt with.He was different when my friends met him they did a double take.My preference was my height or taller,muscular build.I liked caramel,milk chocolate was good too,but he had to have good hair and a pretty smile.Yeah I was attracted to pretty boys.He was dark chocolate,good hair,and the biggest no no: golds in his mouth! But I must say he keep a tooth brush in his mouth so he made it through.He complimented me,he even went so far as to buy the hair for me glue or sew in my hair.We were always dressed nice and so were the kids.we had a day for me and a day for the kids.Within two weeks he proposed.That should have been the first flag on the play.
Everyone knows I am a helpless romantic and I ain saying you got to go all out,but just saying "So you gon marry me or what"? is not really the best way to do it.I looked him dead in the eye and said many have asked but none were chosen due to the fact that just like you they ain have a ring!.He said alright I got you.I didn't think nothing else about it cause like the song said I heard it all before.A month  later another flag on the play. We were driving down the street and he stopped at the traffic light handed me the box and said "here's your ring,I'm going to keep the receipt in my wallet so you go to acting up I'll take it back and get my money back"
PENALTY!!!!
I just shook my head and closed the box.The writing was on the wall big as day the day we got married.I asked was he going to take the day off he said no,work don't stop just cause we got married.I cooked dinner,fed the kids,fixed his plate and put it in the microwave like I always did.Took a shower and got ready for bed.Five minutes before he came home I heated up his food,fixed him a drink and sat it by the bed.Normally I would sit up with him while he ate,I fell asleep.Any other time he would wake me up and try to go there, not this night. It would be two months before we consummated the marriage.Little did I know this was how the rest of our years would be.

What ever needs to be done,I'm going to make it happen,all I ask is that you have my back.I felt the need to be closer to God,he told me,"You can go to church all you want,I won't be going". A few years ago I was deep in the church,and I know God was getting tired of me asking him that question cause he had done just about slapped hell naw on my forehead.Well one Sunday the musician approached me in a small space and leand into me and said" I find it odd that you say your married yet you don't wear a ring or his last name.I also find it interesting that your husband sees you leaving the house looking and smelling good and doesn't try to see where your going."He had my back against the wall and I could feel fear in my throat.Sad part was there was two other people standing there watching it all.My son William walked up and said "Mommy you ok?" Yes sweetie you ready?I asked him fighting back the tears.I didn't go back to church after that.You would think he would have notice being that I was at church every Sunday and Wednesday,and did I meantion I was the choir director?

Letting Go the Past Part 3

The last two parts ended with my dad. Well this is why it ended that way. All my life I grew up wanting to know who my father was.for years I heard it was one man,and years later I heard it was another man. When I moved to New York I went to meet the man who took part in creating me.I knew I was too big to be daddy's little girl,but I had high expectations for my dad.All my life I wanted a protector.Someone to love me unconditionally without fault.When my plane touched down in New York it was to be the happiest day of my life.Long gone was all the constant bickering,the insults,hurt the pain, and aggravation.I was given a fresh slate,no one knew me and no one could poison the thoughts of others.I sat down with my father and told him all that I had gone through in my 18 years.He promised me I didn't have to go through any of that anymore,and then within two weeks,I was living with my step sister because my dad decided he wanted a side piece and not a daughter.

When I got to New York all I heard was "Damn you fine", or" I need to move to Florida if they make like you".Then the competition began,everyone was on the hunt for who was gonna sex the new girl first.So not only was I trying to keep my father from it,I was trying to keep the nikkas at bay too.My saving grace was my older brother whom I hadn't met yet.This nikka had street cred like a mug.He was well respected in the hood.Matter of fact only 3 dudes stepped to me the whole nine months I was there.

The first one was Nigel.I ain know that he was a reformed gangsta.I went from being a laid back chick from the O who enjoyed writing poetry,and dreaming big to being pursued by men with power.
I never have and I never will want someone else's blood on my hands and even though my father did some foul shit to me I had to beg for his life.He used to take photos of me and sell them to his old friends.He did alot of other sick shit but those are his sins and I gave them to God.Nigel was 28 and I was 18,he was my protector.And although I wasn't dating him he still had someone watching out for me.

Marvin was the next dude.Everyone in the Burg knew his family and the fact they all were psycho was like RUN GIRL!!!All the ladies called him Marvelous,He was just Marvin to me.I ain chase after him,matter of fact I wasnt thinking bout his ass.I was in survival mode.In the public the were saying" This bitch can't be that damn happy" and on the inside I was dead.I had nothing else to live for.What can I go home to? I have nothing. My father called home and told all kinds of lies and then told me that my family didn't want me to come home they were happy without me.

The last dude was Theodore.His father introduced me to him.He was in the Air Force and we hit it off. We dated 2 months, I got pregnant,he went to Germany,I went back to Florida and life goes on.

What's amazing is I wasn't afraid of telling my family I was pregnant.I was concerned about "him" finding out.My mom told me he came looking for me that summer.I wrote him when I came back.But it didn't feel the same.He didn't talk like he used to.He was always so happy to hear from me no matter what.When he came home for a visit we finally had an opportunity to give in to our feelings,him being the stand up guy he was,couldn't,he was about to get married and he had a baby.I felt my heart drop in my stomach. I say that because I never made anyone else feel the way I made him feel.But by him telling me he was about to get married meant that he had given his all to someone else.

Three months after I last saw him,I gave birth to my second son.This moment was bittersweet because his father was killed three months prior.Seemed like no matter what I tried to prevent it I ended up with two little girls afterward. I over heard the nay sayers saying no one is going to marry her with four children. Hmph, I looked at my Things to do my 30 list and there it was number 1.Get married by thirty.

I met a guy who started off strong,but later I found that he didn't work well under pressure.He wanted the reward,but he didn't want to put in work. If someone said something disrespectful,he would say "I ain got nothing to do with that".I would ask what can I do to make this better.his response was,"I don't know".
I asked "Why did you marry me" again he said " I don't know"

All my life I have fought for a position in someone's heart.I never punished anyone else for someone else's crime.Love is an action and well Im bursting at the seams with it so I guess it means I need to let my guard down,allow "him" in and pray that we finish this journey together.

I am no longer angry because it's not worth it.I am able to share my story with those who have lived a similar life who may not see the light at the end.I am just thankful for the experience that is called life!

Letting Go the Past Part 2

I was sick of going through all this unnecessary bull.These people where making my life a living hell.I wanted to save myself for marriage but these people had a way with words. For some reason I always felt like I had to prove a point.I wasn't having sex back then,my summer love came close twice to being my first, yet we never had a chance to.Looking back when I did loose my virginity,I didn't feel like I was loosing something sacred. I liked the guy but I didn't love him.I was becoming overwhelmed by my home life.I made was on homecoming court,no one cared.I was a Rosette of Spring,no one cared.I went to the prom,no one cared.I say my life spiral out of control and no one seemed to care.By the time I was 17 I needed some help. I was at the end of my rope.I spoke to my counselor and told her I felt like the world was closing in on my and there was no light left.In so many words she confirmed what was being said and I left there that day feeling that the world would be better without me.I had missed my bus so I had to walk home.I was suppose to ride around the field during  half time. Instead I walked by the stadium and walked home.I walked in my room and pulled out letters that I had read over and over again.Thought of what might have been,then I put the letters up and I tried to think of a painless way to go.
About an hour later a man came to the house.He had been informed by my guidance counselor that I might try to hurt myself.He spoke with my aunt and then with me.
I packed my bag.(had no idea I wouldn't be needing it).
I was brought into the Lakeside Behavioral Services Unit.I had to take all my clothes off and bath from head to toe with quell,I had to give them all my personal belongings including my bra and panties.I asked why and I was told to make sure you don't try to hang yourself.

I spent almost a week in the facility.While in there I listened to others but I didn't indulge or reveal any of my pain.I just knew I would never threaten to kill myself again! The biggest slap in the face came when my aunt refused to come get me and the police threatened to put her in jail if she didn't come and get me.But then again what can you expect? They never stood by you before,so what makes this different?

I spent the next six months trying to figure out what I was going to do next.Once I turned 18 I could leave this hell hole and do what? It has been programmed on my head that no one wants you .You ain  nothing.Well in my mind I'm going to prove them wrong.I placed a call I would later regret, to the only man who was suppose to love me.......My dad

Letting Go the Past

Looking back over my life I see a lot of things that should not have happened,but then I guess if they didn't,I wouldn't have my story.Unlike most people I don't say why me.I say why not me.I figure I was chosen to go through these trials to be an example to others,that you can go through the storm and still come out dry on the other side.

I had dreams of  becoming a doctor I knew who I wanted to marry and how many kids we were going to have.I was going to write a best selling book and be on Oprah.I shared this with my family and instead of the encouragement I thought I was going to get,I was greeted with, "You ain gon be shit just like yo mammy"!"You gon have a house full of baby's and no husband"." You think you the only one that boy seeing? he too cute to be with you,you just something for him to do while he here".

I don't know why these words hurt so much,I mean I have heard them a million times before. Every time someone took a interest in me it was for the wrong reasons.They never believed in me nor have they ever tried to protect me.When I look back,I feel like I was going through a cruel initiation process,where I had to be subjected to all this evilness just to be accepted by these people.

From the age of 5-18 I was physically abused or molested. I grew up in a house where that was normal.In school they said it was wrong,at home "you's a damn lie" or,"you ain have no business walking round like that"!
I remember my Aunt used to drop me off to the babysitter and they would be playing cards and the lil old man would tell me to stick my hand in his pocket.Then he would say "squeeze it". My Godmother heard him,but she whupped my ass.Um what part did I miss?Then he would ask if I could walk across the street to his house to get some candy.She said yes,He had a room full of candy,but I couldn't leave until I let him stick his tongue in my mouth.
Looking back at it now,I was five what the hell man!He tried again,but I told him I didn't want any candy.My Godmother must have figured it out cause I never seen him over there no more,but the damage was done.

I grew up being told if you were raped it was your fault. It is never anyone's fault!The victim is never to blame!

I always felt awkward growing up. No one never really paid attention to me like they did the other girls. I was the cool chick.Later I was told that I always had a unit on my face and I didn't look like that chick.
I  dated from time to time and then I met my "summer love".We were soul mates from the beginning.I would count the days till he would return back the O.He may have been playing for the summer,but I was playing for keeps.Many days I was told  how he was too cute to want to talk to me.I was just something for him to do.What hurt the most was being told that "every town furnishes it's own port". Meaning "You are not his one and only, you just his back up."

I carried a lot of hurt and pain but none more greater than the one I would feel when the one man who was never ever supposed to hurt me killed my soul and my spirit. My Father........

True Love

I'm amazed at how much things have changed yet they seem to remain the same. Have you ever longed for someone so bad that you could feel their presence around you? And when you finally reconnect, it's as though they never left the room.When you can talk about certain things and they are willing to listen and not judge you then you have found your "rock". When they are instrumental in pushing you to be the best you can be, and they are willing to catch you when you when fall, you have found your "hero".

Many times we over look what we need and seek what we want, only to turn around and pray that our needs will be met. When the pain sets in and hurt settles in for a stay,you pray your rock will come and protect you.
You may be apart for years, but you will not be reconnected by chance. You will enter each others life in order to have a second chance to finish what you started. Nothing in life is easy,it takes hard work and determination.

Our souls have search the world until they could connect.Now the flesh is awaiting the opportunity to do the same. Real love does not die.

I will wait for you, with the understanding that I must be loyal and true.I promise to respect you as a person as well as a man and to know my place as a woman.
After all, I was created from you,to be your help  mate
To stand with you and to honor you.

Divalicious

Top 10 Things I wish people would stop doing................

I know I haven't SAID anything in awhile, but it's better late than never!
Here are the top 10 things I wish people would stop doing!

10. Letting a child over the age of 1 suck a bottle or a pacifier! That is not cute! Anyone over the age of 1 is no longer a baby!

9. My big sistah's and my little little girls, just because they make it in your size, doesn't mean you should wear it! Stop wearing clothes that are not age or body appropriate!

8. Stop acting like you can cook if all you did was add water and stir!

7. Stop preaching to me! Especially those who don't live what they preach!

6. Stop sending me vulgar text messages, if you can't send it to your momma, don't send it to me!

5. Stop bragging about how much you pay for a service, then in the same breath, you want me to do it for free!

4. Stop acting like you ain never did anything wrong in your life. We have all sinned,move on!

3. Stop getting mad when you are only asked to bring cups and plates to the cookout, it just means no one wants yo eat your cooking.

2. Stop sending me mass emails saying the same thing!

1. Stop sending me emails about absolutely nothing!

The Loneliness pt4

"Jared what are you doing here!" Jade was half excited half panicked.

"I was in the neighborhood on business and I decided to check on you".

"I'm fine ,I was taking a nap I'll call you later when I wake up".

"Jade what is wrong with you?Up until a few months everything was fine,now you don't come out,your always busy or out of town.I come by here to see how your doing and you all but slam the door in my face!"

Jared now is really not a good time,I'm really tired and I need this nap!"

"Jade it's one o'clock in the afternoon,why are you napping?Are you sick,you need anything?"

"No Jared I'm fine,I'm just.....

"Pregnant!Since you can't tell me I'll ask.How long did you think you could hide this from me Jade?We were careless that night,so there has always been a what if.But you went on like everything was fine.When you didn't show up to the annual Governor's Ball I knew it was something.That's the highlight of the year and you never miss it.Then I saw you leaving Felipio's the other day....

"I didn't see you in Felipio's."

"No you didn't cause If you did I would have known a lot sooner that my best friend was carrying my child!"

"Jared I can explain."

"Can you really Jade? I mean when was I gonna find out?When you could fit it in your got damn schedule!?"

"Jared come inside so we can discuss this in private".

"No Jade I don't want to discuss it.I have tried to show you that there is more to life than being a woman scorned,I love you more than you love yourself,but because of what Mitchell did,you punish yourself by being alone.You can not and you will not do that to my child!You want to be alone that's on you,but my child is not going to be tainted,my lawyer will contact your lawyer by the end of business!"

Jade stood there in disbelief.She was so hell bent on not getting hurt,she didn't realize she hurt herself more than anyone else could have.And now the thought of Jared seeking legal action against her is proving to be a bit much.

This is not how this was supposed to be.All I wanted was to be left alone,in my loneliness.

The Loneliness pt3

Jade is still sitting in the exact same spot as she was when she got the call.Her ex husband whom she caught fucking her assistant had called to ask her she could pull some strings to get him a reservation to the Grand Opening to Jules newest restaurant.
"Mitchell,out of all the people to call why me.You have free range to all the who's who here in the Chi."
"Well for whatever reason Jade I can't get in and I need to be on the scene".
"Mitchell I don't hang out anymore so I can't help you"
"Can't you talk to your friend Jared?"
"I'll get back to you Mitchell".
"Thanks Jade,talk to you soon".

"Jared the nerve of him trying to use my friendship with you for his own selfish gain!"
Jade and Jared were sitting in her loft having a late dinner.She was trying to be there for Jared as he had been for her.
"Well Jade the reason he is not on the guest list is because I didn't like the way he treated you and I really don't care for him" Jared confessed.
"Trust me you owe me no explanation,I just can't believe how comfortable he was about it."

Without warning Jared leaned in and kissed Jade,She wanted to stop him so bad,yet his kiss was so breath taking she wanted it to last forever.Then out of nowhere Jade straddled Jared as their kiss grew more passionate.She undid his tie,he unzipped her dress,he buried his head into her bosoms and gently kissed each one in a quick one two motion he laid her down on the sofa and kissed her all the way to her happy trail.He teased her clit through her panties until she was soaking wet.She let a gasp out as he placed two fingers deep inside of her.Jared sent Jade's body into a frenzy as she came back to back.She was panting feverishly and just as she was on the brink of cumming again,he entered her,long deep strokes,their bodies beating to their own drums.Jared touched parts of her body that she had shut off.He woke up every part of her being,and when he came,they came together Jared and Jade made love twice more after that.And as soon as it started,it ended,Jade hinted about a long day,and Jared took the hint and left.Once again Jade was in her world of loneliness.No one made her go there but her.Jared and Jade talked about what happened the previous night and while Jared wanted to pursue something with Jade,she shut him down.Jared respected her decision.
Six months had passed since they had seen each other per Jade's request.So imagine the surprise Jared received when he stopped by Jade's loft unannounced to check on her.

The Loneliness pt2

"Alexis,I love you like a sister but I do not want to meet anyone!"
"Jade its been several years since you and Mitchell divorced and he is living his life,you should get on with yours!"
"Really Alexis give it a rest!"
"Your so pig headed Jade,you have let too many years go by being lonely because of what that bastard did to you,you deserve to be happy too!"

Jade knew there was truth to this but she just didn't want to be bothered.Unbeknown to anyone,Jade had met someone a year ago at a book signing.His name was Jared Miller.He had the prettiest smile she had ever seen.He was the owner of Jules, one the biggest fine dining restaurant chains in the country.They happen to meet by chance that day and they became fast friends.Jared was in a relationship which made it even easier for Jade to deal with him.She felt it was safe because he was off limits.The communicated often online or via text message.They would bump into each other at many social functions,but that was as far as it went.Then one day out of the blue Jared called to inform her that he and Lydia broke up.
WOW was all she could say.She didn't know how to take this news.Would it change the nature of their relationship?Jade liked being in the friend zone.What would she do if he wanted to step outside of that?

Jade had gotten accustom to the loneliness and she had to find a way to get Jared out of her life so that she could continue to be lonely.

"Jade did you hear me?"
"O I'm sorry what did you say Alexis?"
"I said your cellphone is ringing".
What know Jade thought out loud,I don't even recognize this number....
"Hello".
"Jade it's me Mitchell".

The Loneliness

"Jade I can't do this anymore".This kept playing over and over in Jade's head for over a year.Mitchell had left that message on her voice mail on what was to be their fifth year anniversary. Jade had met Mitchell when she was an up and coming magazine editor.He was an intern at a major record label.Within two years they both were the hottest power couple in Chicago.They lived a fairy tale life until Jade walked in and saw her assistant Jazmine bent over the Italian leather sofa Mitchell had custom made Jade on their one year wedding anniversary.
Nothing was said by either.The smug son of a bitch even went as far as finishing what he started.Jade left what she had called her home for the past seven years and went to a nearby Four Seasons and tried to piece together what had just happened.

Of all people why Jazmine?Did he hate me that much that he would sleep with the one person he knew would hurt me the most?A week had past before Jade could muster the strength to acknowledge what happen.That's when she heard the voice mail Mitchell left.He went on about how he had checked out the relationship months ago.He even went on to tell her how Jazmine did things that she was to stuffy to do.She couldn't believe what she was hearing.And s if it would make a difference he went on to say he was willing to split their assets in half and end the marriage as quickly as possible.She was in no way prepared for his next statement.Jazmine was pregnant with his child.

This was three years ago,and although the baby was not Mitchell's and he had since moved on,Jade had vowed to stay single and throw herself into her career.To everyone else she was very well put together,but at night when she was all alone she cried herself to sleep.She didn't like being alone.But after all she went through,she couldn't allow anyone in for fear she would be hurt again.

A Relationship thought

It's funny that single people want relationships and people in relationships want to be single.I often hear single people wanting the commitment of a significant other.What they don't realize is some mates look good on paper but they can't deliver the goods.Would you rather have someone who pays the bills and supplies the financial part,or would you rather have a partner who is there mentally as well as physically?
There is no unwritten rule that a man can't be there for you mentally,physically,and financially.I have proven time and time again to be a helpmate.I would for once in my life like to experience what it feels like to have a spiritual,and supportive partner in return.I wish that my efforts to be a good woman were not done in vain.It is so many that complain about not having a good woman or man and when they receive one,they break their necks trying to leave them.No sense in putting up a facade trying to play the role of a character you know nothing about.
Just because you are in the same room with someone does not mean your spending time with them.Just because we eat at the same table,don't mean we break bread together.In life there are givers and takers,and unfortunately alot of givers get taken because their heart is pure and the taker's isn't. I love the lessons I have learned in life.They taught me to be a better woman.That makes me a stronger woman who in turn know's how to survive the storm.

Priceless

Okay I have been going through some shyt for a minute know and well I said this year I was gonna be the Diva that I am and live out loud.Well as I was traveling down Divadom,I stumbled upon some shyt for your azz!I had been saying for a hot minute that I was tired of this relationship and it wasn't me.I wanted out.Imagine my surprise when I found out that I was never IN!
Seems that my name was registered wrong at the hospital when I was born and because of this,I  lived half my life as one person and the other half as someone else only to find that who was first was who I really am.Aint that a bitch?

marriage $100.00
Divorce $299.00
Never being married in the first place............Priceless

Divalicious

From Friends to Lovers and back to Friends.....

Can friends who incorporate sex into their friendship continue to be friends?

I think that is based on the friendship and honesty.If you can talk about your friend about any and everything then if and when you decide to take it to the next level,you should be comfortable expressing yourself mentally as well as physically.Not everyone is equipped to play grown up.Sometimes we always want what we can not have and once we have it,we don't know what's next.

I not only give my thoughts but I will share my experience so here goes.I had a friend that sent chills up my spine,his voice made my legs buckle and his smile made me wanna have his babies!I know right.He made me want to be all those things my man wouldn't let me be.We had a chemistry so strong till it wasn't safe to be around each other out of fear of  leaving the friend zone.Well one day we gave into the heat and I felt shyt I ain know I could feel.Made me wanna put this Nikka to sleep every night!Not sure how he felt cause he had to play the "cool" role.I often think of what could have been,but I can't live my life on a hope and dream so Every time I think of the good,good I think of him.If would have stayed around,he would have known that I wasn't in the situation I thought I was in.I needed my friend for that moment but I lost him when he became my lover for that one night.

Dicalicious

Ms. I Really Need it

Anticipation has been building up for years now
I can spot you in a crowded room
But you act like you scared to give into me
One day there will be nothing but space and opportunity
You had a girl
I had a man
I respected that
Now with that out the way I want my chance
To feel the heat between the sheets
Love faces is all good but good dick
brings out fuck faces
and I need you to take me to places
that I ain never seen
I need to ride that pole you got hidden in your jeans
I see you acting like you shy
That shyt played out in 92
I wanna fuck
U
To the best of my abilities
Give you the shyt I write about
Flip you up and turn you out
Make you feel the heat I deliver between these sheets
It's not a game
Sex off da chain
Love faces work for so long
But fuck faces show how deep the stroke been going
So come spread my hips as you kiss both my lips
Let me feel the pole till I loose control
Flip me six ways to Sunday
Make me skip to work on Monday
Leg still shaken
Ain no sense in faking
It is what it is
That good dick will get u
all the time
Now I gotta pop it back
To make it mine
O
I know you ain think
you was gonna get urs
And I ain get mine
Fuck love faces
I got what I needed
Till next week
Yours Truly
Ms. I really needed it

Phuc U Symphony!

Time heals all wounds
Well it's not enough time in the day to heal the mess you made
You couldn't let well enough alone
You had to have me as your own
I was chilling in my world
You couldn't stand it you wanted me as your girl
I gave you the best of me
thinking you and I would always be
Stronger with every year
but everyday I shed a tear
for the love I once knew
Lost it all when I got with you
I got lost withing in myself
I sent word that I needed some help
You took the love I gave
And in turn I was your slave
I catered to you
but your heart was never true
I gave you the best that I got
You spit on it
And that says alot
For all the hell you've given me
Here is my Phuc you symphony!

Divalicious

Trey Songz - Can't Be Friends (Official Video)

The End

Why are you here?
I mean you have said time and time again you are not happy
You often remind me of the life you used to have before I entered
How much fun you used to have
All the things you used to do
You know all the intimate things you did to prove to me
That you were worth my time
Worth taking a chance on
Now I can't even get a second glance
When I put on something sexy
Or change my hair
You haven't looked at me in so long
You haven't noticed the ring is no longer there
I stopped wearing it years ago,because my fingers would swell
Then I stopped wearing it all together cause my life became a living hell
I wanted you to love
You wanted to just care
I wanted forever
You just wanted a spare
I gave you my heart
And you gave me your ass
To kiss when you found another
To add to your wish list
I was just a fantasy
And you tried to take the best of me
and make me undesirable for the next man
But see your plan won't work
Cause a real man will find me in his search
And complete the missing piece
Farewell to you
and all the hell you put me through
The end is here

Def Comedy Jam Cedric The Entertainer , George Willbourne , Sonya D and ...

I'm forever your lady,you forever my boo

When you need me I'm there
I'm down for you I sear
there will never be another
to take my place
I cook for you
I clean for you
do all the things them silly hoes won't do
I don't sweat what you do
cause your hustle strong
I know my place and how to sit quietly on the throne
I give you respect cause you are my king
I keep it right I keep it tight
my swag fly and my walk is mean
Aint no other gonna put up with you
I'm forever your lady
You forever my boo
I got your back no matter what
I raise my glass and toast to you
You the real deal
that's why I have your meals hot and ready
smoking at the table
bath water ready
sheets turned back
you ain got speak not one word
I'm down for you
I got your back
I'm forever your lady
You forever my boo
Lets keep it tight cause I got you.

WANTED!!

Wanted,
A good man
One who understands that I am a woman
I was made to be his companion
His helpmate
His lover
His friend
His secret keeper
His lover for life

Wanted,
A man that is secure with his self
A hard worker
One who understands that communication is key
We must become a unit in order to be a driving force
To make a successful relationship

Wanted,
A man who is not afraid to be a man
Plan the date
Open the door
Walk beside me,not in  front of me
Hug me just because
Kiss me like it's the last time

Wanted,
A man who does the things just because
A man who pays attention to the little things I do to make him happy
A man who knows that my world can get complicated
But as a team we can conquer anything

Wanted,
A man who is not afraid to pray with me
or for me
A man who inspires me to be the best me
Until I am presented with this man,
I will continue to mentally prepare myself to receive this good man,
I will clean out all those past hurts and make room for this good man
to enter into my life
I will let go my past disappointments
I will wash away all the pain that others have left
And when my wanted man is finally captured,
Our slate will be clean,we will buy all the materials together
And build together.

                                                                      Divalicious

Private Property!

You banged on my door
Pleading with me to let you in
I told you up front,I am not for games
Ive been saving my heart for someone who was worthy of it
You asked for my heart and in return you would give me your soul
Was this a same time transaction?
Or did you think you were gonna come in and take my heart and hold it in the palm of your hand
And command it to do as you pleased?

Did you think you were going to just stroll up in here and rearrange shyt the way it best suited you?
I mean you were the hunter for years,then as soon as I let you catch me,you decided there was more fun in the chase
than it was with the prey.
I listened as you went on and on about what a man wants and what he needs
I was that woman naturally
Then it became too much for you to handle
You said,"You are an amazing woman and you are going to make some man very happy"
Funny,I was only trying to make you happy.
You wanted the lease with an option to buy
Only to sublet the building to another potential buyer
So you could brag about living there first

When you come into my life,make sure your intentions are good
Don't try and tear don my wall knowing full dayum well you have no intentions
Of renovating that space into something beautiful and breath taking
My heart is private property so keep your ass off unless I invite you in!

Just because it is exposed does not mean you can touch it!

Pay Attention

There is always thunder before lightening and a calm before the storm,so when things start happening,pay attention.If your mind is telling you no,follow your mind.They say the heart don't lie,yes it do,follow  the little voice,it never leads you wrong!

Divalicious

Your Body's Calling pt 3

How the hell we get in the bed and he just wanna cuddle? Nikka I coulda cuddled in my own bed with my pillow!I didn't realize i said it out loud until I hear him laugh his azz off.Jay I don't see or hear a dayum thing funny!
He starts to kiss the corners of my mouth,I turn my head and he follows it,I feel his fingers massage my nipples and it makes me so hot and bothered.He replaces his fingers with his lips and I can feel her getting moist.A moan escapes my lips as his kisses start to travel down south.
He reaches his destination and I feel electrical currents go through my body.He's sucking on the hood of my clit and just when I feel as if I can't take it anymore he puts a finger deep into the center of my earth.and within two strokes I have creamed all over his finger.My legs start to shake and I can't breathe.He continues to work me over and I'm surprised at my own self because I am riding his finger and tongue like I plan on riding him as soon as I can reverse the roles.He reaches for a condom,I and slides it on in a one two motion.And just as easy he slides it on he enters me.He starts with just the head,and then he gives me all that he has.I wrap my legs around his waist and I give him all of me. I tell him to lay on his back and I proceed to ride the wave to extacy.He grabs my hips and holds me tight and we both cum together.
I guess good things come to those who wait huh? Jay whispers in my ear as we try and catch our breath.
Yes it does I reply,Now we can cuddle all night,and we both laugh.........

Your Body's Calling pt 2

It's 11:25p.m and I am in the elevator at the Rosen Hotel headed to the tenth floor for lord knows what.Curiosity got the best of me,I took a long hot bubble bath,and slowly sipped a glass of Moscato. After calming my nerves,I say to myself,I have nothing to lose.So I prepare to take the first step of coming out of my shell and living my life without regret.
As I step off the elevator and approach the door,I do a quick glance in the mirror.I am wearing a black gown with a split up to there five inch stiletto's,hair pinned up and my favorite scent sprayed on,24 Faubourg. I continue to the short distance to the door of the penthouse suite,I take in a deep breath and I knock on the door.

The door opens and Jay is standing there looking sexy as hell with a black tuxedo,black shirt white tie.The room is dimly lit and Luther Vandross is playing.I am floating on a cloud as he takes my hand and leads me to the center of the room.My favorite song begins,I get lost in his arms as he holds me tight,just as Luther is singing "If only for one night."

We seem to dance for what seems like hours,the candles are dancing to the same beat as we are,he goes to speak and I place a finger to his lips and shake my head no.I don't want words to destroy this moment that I have rehearsed in my mind for the past three years.He seems to read my mind and we continue to sway back and forth.There is a knock on the door that brings me back to reality.It's room service bringing up a bottle of champagne and strawberry's.
Jay tips the concierge and closes the door.I glance at the clock and realize it's almost midnight.I jump when the cork pops,Jay however thinks this is funny.He pours us a glass of bubbly just as the countdown begins.
Here's to a year with endless possibilities,I say,Cheers,says Jay.The clock strikes 12 and I get the one thing I have been longing for all night,a kiss.No peck on the cheek,or a bump on the lips,it's a full fledged kiss. One of those mind blowing,knee buckling kisses.

Trey Songz Love Faces is playing and I can't take it anymore and neither can he,jacket and tie come off,I then lead his hand to the zipper on my dress and he slowly slides it down the track. I unbutton the buttons on his shirt as he slides me out of my dress. I am standing there in a black lace bra and black crotchless thongs.I can feel him stiffen as he see's his package he's unwrapped.He leads me to the bedroom,he lays me on the bed and then proceeds to undress himself.He crawls in bed beside me and says, " I just want to hold you until we fall asleep.........WTF?

Your Body's Calling pt 1

Bryn,hello are you listening to me?I'm sorry Lysa,what did you say?I was telling you about Steph but know I wanna know who got your mind wondering.Girl I'm sorry just thinking bout how I'm going to spend the New Years tonight.But to answer your question I told you, Steph only does what you allow him to do.You guys have an open marriage only he's the only one taking advantage of it.Your right admits Lysa,but why don't you join use for the New year.Look Lysa,I already told you,that was a one time deal.I don't want to jeopardize our friendship by playing these sex games with you and your husband.

Against her better judgment Bryn had agreed to have a threesome with Lysa ,who had been her best friend since the third grade,and her husband Steph.After a night of drinking,Bryn finally gave in only to receive a call from Steph for a solo session.Though she never told Lysa,she made it clear she would if Steph ever tried her like that again.
Bryn had sworn off sex after that happened and that was three years ago.Now all Bryn wanted to do was relieve this tension between her legs that plastic only seemed to be making worse.

I need body to body,she thought to herself.Bryn thought about her fantasy man Jay,he was everything she wanted in a man,yet the time never was right for them to get together.He understood everything about her though the never slept together.His smile stole her heart and his voice made her climax without even being touched.How can he have so much power and control and we have never been sexual?
Just as she is playing 21 questions there is a knock on the door.
Who is it?
Flowers In Bloom the voice said.
As I opened the door I was floored when I saw the large arrangement in front of me,it had to be two dozen of my favorite flowers,black magic roses.
Thank you I said as I tipped the delivery person.
I sat the vase on the counter and read the card.

Meet me tonight at 11:30pm in suite 1010 at the Rosen.
Jay

When we last spoke we weren't to happy by the end of the conversation.I had been invited for a girls night out and I really wanted to spend some time with him,but since I couldn't reach him,life goes on so I went to hang out with the girls.When I got there I found out he was preoccupied.Well aint that a bitch.So instead of enjoying my night,I sat fuming,why I don't know,but it was what it was.
Now I have an invite,and a decision on rather or not I should go to the Rosen in less than three hours.The waist down says go,the waist up says hey why not,but Im not sure if I am mentally prepared to do this.

At what point is your best not good enough?

When you have made all the necessary changes in your life and relationship,and there is still no change,when do you walk away and throw in the towel?

For years I have spent my life pleasing others,giving them what they need from me and not receiving the same respect.I have watched people say one thing and do another.I've watched I love you stay a word waiting for it to become an action.I never understood how you could love someone who hurt you over and over.Or why people pursue those who don't want to be with them,only to have the one they want treat them like shyt.I mean when is enough enough?When do we say this is not for me and walk away?

I was always dreaming of what I could have in life and then I went for it.The biggest mistake was the other person didn't want the same things.I thought that having his dinner ready when he came home and making sure all his needs were met was the answer,I had been told by previous boo's that I would make future husband a lucky man one day.No one prepared me for the lesson in selfishness 101.
I am a giver who gives from the depths of my soul.And I ended up with one who knew I would give the best of me and not complain.And at times when I felt I was being taken for granted I expressed it and was told,"don't do nothing else for me" .That was the first indication that Im dealing with a boy not a man.

I lingered in that situation for seven years because I didnt want to be alone.It doesnt matter if you have a warm body in your bed if their soul is cold.Now I have my up in my mind that I can only live for me,he can't understand why Im leaving.
If I allow it then it's my choice,If I walk away,I am standing on my own!

Divalicious

Happy New Year!!!

May 2011 find you in good health and spirits.A little more open minded,a little more understanding,and more willing to live out loud.
I will continue to speak my mind,more focus on the real,no attention to the bs.I am shedding my skin and I think Im going to like it!
Happy New Year Everyone!


Divalicious