Today is suppose to be a day of celebration and joy.My Aunt is slowly but surely embarking on her goal to live to be 100.She turned 83 today and it was just bittersweet.It's funny things always happen on a day you will remember for the rest of your life.While I am preparing to relaunch my business and prepare to leave Florida,I am also about to prepare to live life by myself.
I woke up at 4:30 this morning with my thoughts in heavy rotation.I struggled and fought with alot of things.In the midst of this fight and struggle I realized that I have always lived my life for others.I did what I was programmed to do. I realize what my friend has been telling me all the time and that's the truth.God has a great sense of humor. He will place people in our lives for unknown and unforeseen reasons.
I have prayed many prayers asking God to show me if this man was my husband,and each time little things would happen and I neglected it because it was to small for the naked eye to see. Two months in I knew this was not where I was suppose to be. Everything he said we were going to do before "I do", we no longer could afford it.This was so not the vision in my head that I had when I thought of marriage.I was raised in a household where my aunt and uncle never fought in front of me and they NEVER went to bed mad.
I married a man that was the complete opposite of me and anyone I dealt with.He was different when my friends met him they did a double take.My preference was my height or taller,muscular build.I liked caramel,milk chocolate was good too,but he had to have good hair and a pretty smile.Yeah I was attracted to pretty boys.He was dark chocolate,good hair,and the biggest no no: golds in his mouth! But I must say he keep a tooth brush in his mouth so he made it through.He complimented me,he even went so far as to buy the hair for me glue or sew in my hair.We were always dressed nice and so were the kids.we had a day for me and a day for the kids.Within two weeks he proposed.That should have been the first flag on the play.
Everyone knows I am a helpless romantic and I ain saying you got to go all out,but just saying "So you gon marry me or what"? is not really the best way to do it.I looked him dead in the eye and said many have asked but none were chosen due to the fact that just like you they ain have a ring!.He said alright I got you.I didn't think nothing else about it cause like the song said I heard it all before.A month later another flag on the play. We were driving down the street and he stopped at the traffic light handed me the box and said "here's your ring,I'm going to keep the receipt in my wallet so you go to acting up I'll take it back and get my money back"
PENALTY!!!!
I just shook my head and closed the box.The writing was on the wall big as day the day we got married.I asked was he going to take the day off he said no,work don't stop just cause we got married.I cooked dinner,fed the kids,fixed his plate and put it in the microwave like I always did.Took a shower and got ready for bed.Five minutes before he came home I heated up his food,fixed him a drink and sat it by the bed.Normally I would sit up with him while he ate,I fell asleep.Any other time he would wake me up and try to go there, not this night. It would be two months before we consummated the marriage.Little did I know this was how the rest of our years would be.
What ever needs to be done,I'm going to make it happen,all I ask is that you have my back.I felt the need to be closer to God,he told me,"You can go to church all you want,I won't be going". A few years ago I was deep in the church,and I know God was getting tired of me asking him that question cause he had done just about slapped hell naw on my forehead.Well one Sunday the musician approached me in a small space and leand into me and said" I find it odd that you say your married yet you don't wear a ring or his last name.I also find it interesting that your husband sees you leaving the house looking and smelling good and doesn't try to see where your going."He had my back against the wall and I could feel fear in my throat.Sad part was there was two other people standing there watching it all.My son William walked up and said "Mommy you ok?" Yes sweetie you ready?I asked him fighting back the tears.I didn't go back to church after that.You would think he would have notice being that I was at church every Sunday and Wednesday,and did I meantion I was the choir director?
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