The last two parts ended with my dad. Well this is why it ended that way. All my life I grew up wanting to know who my father was.for years I heard it was one man,and years later I heard it was another man. When I moved to New York I went to meet the man who took part in creating me.I knew I was too big to be daddy's little girl,but I had high expectations for my dad.All my life I wanted a protector.Someone to love me unconditionally without fault.When my plane touched down in New York it was to be the happiest day of my life.Long gone was all the constant bickering,the insults,hurt the pain, and aggravation.I was given a fresh slate,no one knew me and no one could poison the thoughts of others.I sat down with my father and told him all that I had gone through in my 18 years.He promised me I didn't have to go through any of that anymore,and then within two weeks,I was living with my step sister because my dad decided he wanted a side piece and not a daughter.
When I got to New York all I heard was "Damn you fine", or" I need to move to Florida if they make like you".Then the competition began,everyone was on the hunt for who was gonna sex the new girl first.So not only was I trying to keep my father from it,I was trying to keep the nikkas at bay too.My saving grace was my older brother whom I hadn't met yet.This nikka had street cred like a mug.He was well respected in the hood.Matter of fact only 3 dudes stepped to me the whole nine months I was there.
The first one was Nigel.I ain know that he was a reformed gangsta.I went from being a laid back chick from the O who enjoyed writing poetry,and dreaming big to being pursued by men with power.
I never have and I never will want someone else's blood on my hands and even though my father did some foul shit to me I had to beg for his life.He used to take photos of me and sell them to his old friends.He did alot of other sick shit but those are his sins and I gave them to God.Nigel was 28 and I was 18,he was my protector.And although I wasn't dating him he still had someone watching out for me.
Marvin was the next dude.Everyone in the Burg knew his family and the fact they all were psycho was like RUN GIRL!!!All the ladies called him Marvelous,He was just Marvin to me.I ain chase after him,matter of fact I wasnt thinking bout his ass.I was in survival mode.In the public the were saying" This bitch can't be that damn happy" and on the inside I was dead.I had nothing else to live for.What can I go home to? I have nothing. My father called home and told all kinds of lies and then told me that my family didn't want me to come home they were happy without me.
The last dude was Theodore.His father introduced me to him.He was in the Air Force and we hit it off. We dated 2 months, I got pregnant,he went to Germany,I went back to Florida and life goes on.
What's amazing is I wasn't afraid of telling my family I was pregnant.I was concerned about "him" finding out.My mom told me he came looking for me that summer.I wrote him when I came back.But it didn't feel the same.He didn't talk like he used to.He was always so happy to hear from me no matter what.When he came home for a visit we finally had an opportunity to give in to our feelings,him being the stand up guy he was,couldn't,he was about to get married and he had a baby.I felt my heart drop in my stomach. I say that because I never made anyone else feel the way I made him feel.But by him telling me he was about to get married meant that he had given his all to someone else.
Three months after I last saw him,I gave birth to my second son.This moment was bittersweet because his father was killed three months prior.Seemed like no matter what I tried to prevent it I ended up with two little girls afterward. I over heard the nay sayers saying no one is going to marry her with four children. Hmph, I looked at my Things to do my 30 list and there it was number 1.Get married by thirty.
I met a guy who started off strong,but later I found that he didn't work well under pressure.He wanted the reward,but he didn't want to put in work. If someone said something disrespectful,he would say "I ain got nothing to do with that".I would ask what can I do to make this better.his response was,"I don't know".
I asked "Why did you marry me" again he said " I don't know"
All my life I have fought for a position in someone's heart.I never punished anyone else for someone else's crime.Love is an action and well Im bursting at the seams with it so I guess it means I need to let my guard down,allow "him" in and pray that we finish this journey together.
I am no longer angry because it's not worth it.I am able to share my story with those who have lived a similar life who may not see the light at the end.I am just thankful for the experience that is called life!
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