Letting Go the Past

Looking back over my life I see a lot of things that should not have happened,but then I guess if they didn't,I wouldn't have my story.Unlike most people I don't say why me.I say why not me.I figure I was chosen to go through these trials to be an example to others,that you can go through the storm and still come out dry on the other side.

I had dreams of  becoming a doctor I knew who I wanted to marry and how many kids we were going to have.I was going to write a best selling book and be on Oprah.I shared this with my family and instead of the encouragement I thought I was going to get,I was greeted with, "You ain gon be shit just like yo mammy"!"You gon have a house full of baby's and no husband"." You think you the only one that boy seeing? he too cute to be with you,you just something for him to do while he here".

I don't know why these words hurt so much,I mean I have heard them a million times before. Every time someone took a interest in me it was for the wrong reasons.They never believed in me nor have they ever tried to protect me.When I look back,I feel like I was going through a cruel initiation process,where I had to be subjected to all this evilness just to be accepted by these people.

From the age of 5-18 I was physically abused or molested. I grew up in a house where that was normal.In school they said it was wrong,at home "you's a damn lie" or,"you ain have no business walking round like that"!
I remember my Aunt used to drop me off to the babysitter and they would be playing cards and the lil old man would tell me to stick my hand in his pocket.Then he would say "squeeze it". My Godmother heard him,but she whupped my ass.Um what part did I miss?Then he would ask if I could walk across the street to his house to get some candy.She said yes,He had a room full of candy,but I couldn't leave until I let him stick his tongue in my mouth.
Looking back at it now,I was five what the hell man!He tried again,but I told him I didn't want any candy.My Godmother must have figured it out cause I never seen him over there no more,but the damage was done.

I grew up being told if you were raped it was your fault. It is never anyone's fault!The victim is never to blame!

I always felt awkward growing up. No one never really paid attention to me like they did the other girls. I was the cool chick.Later I was told that I always had a unit on my face and I didn't look like that chick.
I  dated from time to time and then I met my "summer love".We were soul mates from the beginning.I would count the days till he would return back the O.He may have been playing for the summer,but I was playing for keeps.Many days I was told  how he was too cute to want to talk to me.I was just something for him to do.What hurt the most was being told that "every town furnishes it's own port". Meaning "You are not his one and only, you just his back up."

I carried a lot of hurt and pain but none more greater than the one I would feel when the one man who was never ever supposed to hurt me killed my soul and my spirit. My Father........