A few weeks after that ordeal I was hospitalized.In a nutshell I was doing too much.I had reached my breaking point.God had told me to slow down,but I would speedup and that's when he had to intervene and make come to a complete stop.I had to learn how to allow other people to take care of me,(I have yet to master that)He was cool at first,but after bout three days in the hospital,he started tripping.I wasn't in a position to talk so I said go home!After a week they sent me home with nurses and physical therapist and all the bells and whistles.A few months later my mom had quadruple bypass surgery.I went to the hospital and stayed a whole week until she came home.I was told you ain got no business out there let someone else do it.I said "that's MY momma right or wrong she gave me life and I ain leaving till she leave and if you got a problem with it you need to be gone when I get there"!We ain have no more lip bout that!
I was telling myself,"you got lost in everyone else".I stayed in the beginning because failure is not an option.But if you are in a place that you are not destined to be then how are you failing?This man has literally made me sick.I had minor ailments growing up but never this bad.I hurt from time to time that's normal.the older I get the worse it seems to get but I did something that no one knew I was doing.I went and checked in a hotel for four days by myself.Didn't have a sick day the entire time.I've gone out with the girls or stayed the night with friends and you guessed it,no problems.I know that I can recover from what ever is ailing me,but the only way it will truly happen is if I be true to myself.This morning I decided that I will live life and not exist in it.I have the information I need to go forth with walking away from this madness and never looking back.I know what God's voice sounds like now,and I know that he will answer you with a calming voice,and if you do not hear him,he will get his point across.I am practicing patience and although I am known for expressing myself and being upfront,I am going to sit on my hands and allow the man to take the lead.I might even try being submissive....okay that's a bit much but I plan on doing what is needed so that when my real husband arrives,I can receive him and give him all of me
Someone who will captured my heart a long time ago,had to remind me,Miss.Positivity that there is light at the end of the tunnel.Thank you for reminding me of who I am and I long to be, and um can I have my heart back?
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Taking My Life Back........
Today is suppose to be a day of celebration and joy.My Aunt is slowly but surely embarking on her goal to live to be 100.She turned 83 today and it was just bittersweet.It's funny things always happen on a day you will remember for the rest of your life.While I am preparing to relaunch my business and prepare to leave Florida,I am also about to prepare to live life by myself.
I woke up at 4:30 this morning with my thoughts in heavy rotation.I struggled and fought with alot of things.In the midst of this fight and struggle I realized that I have always lived my life for others.I did what I was programmed to do. I realize what my friend has been telling me all the time and that's the truth.God has a great sense of humor. He will place people in our lives for unknown and unforeseen reasons.
I have prayed many prayers asking God to show me if this man was my husband,and each time little things would happen and I neglected it because it was to small for the naked eye to see. Two months in I knew this was not where I was suppose to be. Everything he said we were going to do before "I do", we no longer could afford it.This was so not the vision in my head that I had when I thought of marriage.I was raised in a household where my aunt and uncle never fought in front of me and they NEVER went to bed mad.
I married a man that was the complete opposite of me and anyone I dealt with.He was different when my friends met him they did a double take.My preference was my height or taller,muscular build.I liked caramel,milk chocolate was good too,but he had to have good hair and a pretty smile.Yeah I was attracted to pretty boys.He was dark chocolate,good hair,and the biggest no no: golds in his mouth! But I must say he keep a tooth brush in his mouth so he made it through.He complimented me,he even went so far as to buy the hair for me glue or sew in my hair.We were always dressed nice and so were the kids.we had a day for me and a day for the kids.Within two weeks he proposed.That should have been the first flag on the play.
Everyone knows I am a helpless romantic and I ain saying you got to go all out,but just saying "So you gon marry me or what"? is not really the best way to do it.I looked him dead in the eye and said many have asked but none were chosen due to the fact that just like you they ain have a ring!.He said alright I got you.I didn't think nothing else about it cause like the song said I heard it all before.A month later another flag on the play. We were driving down the street and he stopped at the traffic light handed me the box and said "here's your ring,I'm going to keep the receipt in my wallet so you go to acting up I'll take it back and get my money back"
PENALTY!!!!
I just shook my head and closed the box.The writing was on the wall big as day the day we got married.I asked was he going to take the day off he said no,work don't stop just cause we got married.I cooked dinner,fed the kids,fixed his plate and put it in the microwave like I always did.Took a shower and got ready for bed.Five minutes before he came home I heated up his food,fixed him a drink and sat it by the bed.Normally I would sit up with him while he ate,I fell asleep.Any other time he would wake me up and try to go there, not this night. It would be two months before we consummated the marriage.Little did I know this was how the rest of our years would be.
What ever needs to be done,I'm going to make it happen,all I ask is that you have my back.I felt the need to be closer to God,he told me,"You can go to church all you want,I won't be going". A few years ago I was deep in the church,and I know God was getting tired of me asking him that question cause he had done just about slapped hell naw on my forehead.Well one Sunday the musician approached me in a small space and leand into me and said" I find it odd that you say your married yet you don't wear a ring or his last name.I also find it interesting that your husband sees you leaving the house looking and smelling good and doesn't try to see where your going."He had my back against the wall and I could feel fear in my throat.Sad part was there was two other people standing there watching it all.My son William walked up and said "Mommy you ok?" Yes sweetie you ready?I asked him fighting back the tears.I didn't go back to church after that.You would think he would have notice being that I was at church every Sunday and Wednesday,and did I meantion I was the choir director?
I woke up at 4:30 this morning with my thoughts in heavy rotation.I struggled and fought with alot of things.In the midst of this fight and struggle I realized that I have always lived my life for others.I did what I was programmed to do. I realize what my friend has been telling me all the time and that's the truth.God has a great sense of humor. He will place people in our lives for unknown and unforeseen reasons.
I have prayed many prayers asking God to show me if this man was my husband,and each time little things would happen and I neglected it because it was to small for the naked eye to see. Two months in I knew this was not where I was suppose to be. Everything he said we were going to do before "I do", we no longer could afford it.This was so not the vision in my head that I had when I thought of marriage.I was raised in a household where my aunt and uncle never fought in front of me and they NEVER went to bed mad.
I married a man that was the complete opposite of me and anyone I dealt with.He was different when my friends met him they did a double take.My preference was my height or taller,muscular build.I liked caramel,milk chocolate was good too,but he had to have good hair and a pretty smile.Yeah I was attracted to pretty boys.He was dark chocolate,good hair,and the biggest no no: golds in his mouth! But I must say he keep a tooth brush in his mouth so he made it through.He complimented me,he even went so far as to buy the hair for me glue or sew in my hair.We were always dressed nice and so were the kids.we had a day for me and a day for the kids.Within two weeks he proposed.That should have been the first flag on the play.
Everyone knows I am a helpless romantic and I ain saying you got to go all out,but just saying "So you gon marry me or what"? is not really the best way to do it.I looked him dead in the eye and said many have asked but none were chosen due to the fact that just like you they ain have a ring!.He said alright I got you.I didn't think nothing else about it cause like the song said I heard it all before.A month later another flag on the play. We were driving down the street and he stopped at the traffic light handed me the box and said "here's your ring,I'm going to keep the receipt in my wallet so you go to acting up I'll take it back and get my money back"
PENALTY!!!!
I just shook my head and closed the box.The writing was on the wall big as day the day we got married.I asked was he going to take the day off he said no,work don't stop just cause we got married.I cooked dinner,fed the kids,fixed his plate and put it in the microwave like I always did.Took a shower and got ready for bed.Five minutes before he came home I heated up his food,fixed him a drink and sat it by the bed.Normally I would sit up with him while he ate,I fell asleep.Any other time he would wake me up and try to go there, not this night. It would be two months before we consummated the marriage.Little did I know this was how the rest of our years would be.
What ever needs to be done,I'm going to make it happen,all I ask is that you have my back.I felt the need to be closer to God,he told me,"You can go to church all you want,I won't be going". A few years ago I was deep in the church,and I know God was getting tired of me asking him that question cause he had done just about slapped hell naw on my forehead.Well one Sunday the musician approached me in a small space and leand into me and said" I find it odd that you say your married yet you don't wear a ring or his last name.I also find it interesting that your husband sees you leaving the house looking and smelling good and doesn't try to see where your going."He had my back against the wall and I could feel fear in my throat.Sad part was there was two other people standing there watching it all.My son William walked up and said "Mommy you ok?" Yes sweetie you ready?I asked him fighting back the tears.I didn't go back to church after that.You would think he would have notice being that I was at church every Sunday and Wednesday,and did I meantion I was the choir director?
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Letting Go the Past Part 3
The last two parts ended with my dad. Well this is why it ended that way. All my life I grew up wanting to know who my father was.for years I heard it was one man,and years later I heard it was another man. When I moved to New York I went to meet the man who took part in creating me.I knew I was too big to be daddy's little girl,but I had high expectations for my dad.All my life I wanted a protector.Someone to love me unconditionally without fault.When my plane touched down in New York it was to be the happiest day of my life.Long gone was all the constant bickering,the insults,hurt the pain, and aggravation.I was given a fresh slate,no one knew me and no one could poison the thoughts of others.I sat down with my father and told him all that I had gone through in my 18 years.He promised me I didn't have to go through any of that anymore,and then within two weeks,I was living with my step sister because my dad decided he wanted a side piece and not a daughter.
When I got to New York all I heard was "Damn you fine", or" I need to move to Florida if they make like you".Then the competition began,everyone was on the hunt for who was gonna sex the new girl first.So not only was I trying to keep my father from it,I was trying to keep the nikkas at bay too.My saving grace was my older brother whom I hadn't met yet.This nikka had street cred like a mug.He was well respected in the hood.Matter of fact only 3 dudes stepped to me the whole nine months I was there.
The first one was Nigel.I ain know that he was a reformed gangsta.I went from being a laid back chick from the O who enjoyed writing poetry,and dreaming big to being pursued by men with power.
I never have and I never will want someone else's blood on my hands and even though my father did some foul shit to me I had to beg for his life.He used to take photos of me and sell them to his old friends.He did alot of other sick shit but those are his sins and I gave them to God.Nigel was 28 and I was 18,he was my protector.And although I wasn't dating him he still had someone watching out for me.
Marvin was the next dude.Everyone in the Burg knew his family and the fact they all were psycho was like RUN GIRL!!!All the ladies called him Marvelous,He was just Marvin to me.I ain chase after him,matter of fact I wasnt thinking bout his ass.I was in survival mode.In the public the were saying" This bitch can't be that damn happy" and on the inside I was dead.I had nothing else to live for.What can I go home to? I have nothing. My father called home and told all kinds of lies and then told me that my family didn't want me to come home they were happy without me.
The last dude was Theodore.His father introduced me to him.He was in the Air Force and we hit it off. We dated 2 months, I got pregnant,he went to Germany,I went back to Florida and life goes on.
What's amazing is I wasn't afraid of telling my family I was pregnant.I was concerned about "him" finding out.My mom told me he came looking for me that summer.I wrote him when I came back.But it didn't feel the same.He didn't talk like he used to.He was always so happy to hear from me no matter what.When he came home for a visit we finally had an opportunity to give in to our feelings,him being the stand up guy he was,couldn't,he was about to get married and he had a baby.I felt my heart drop in my stomach. I say that because I never made anyone else feel the way I made him feel.But by him telling me he was about to get married meant that he had given his all to someone else.
Three months after I last saw him,I gave birth to my second son.This moment was bittersweet because his father was killed three months prior.Seemed like no matter what I tried to prevent it I ended up with two little girls afterward. I over heard the nay sayers saying no one is going to marry her with four children. Hmph, I looked at my Things to do my 30 list and there it was number 1.Get married by thirty.
I met a guy who started off strong,but later I found that he didn't work well under pressure.He wanted the reward,but he didn't want to put in work. If someone said something disrespectful,he would say "I ain got nothing to do with that".I would ask what can I do to make this better.his response was,"I don't know".
I asked "Why did you marry me" again he said " I don't know"
All my life I have fought for a position in someone's heart.I never punished anyone else for someone else's crime.Love is an action and well Im bursting at the seams with it so I guess it means I need to let my guard down,allow "him" in and pray that we finish this journey together.
I am no longer angry because it's not worth it.I am able to share my story with those who have lived a similar life who may not see the light at the end.I am just thankful for the experience that is called life!
When I got to New York all I heard was "Damn you fine", or" I need to move to Florida if they make like you".Then the competition began,everyone was on the hunt for who was gonna sex the new girl first.So not only was I trying to keep my father from it,I was trying to keep the nikkas at bay too.My saving grace was my older brother whom I hadn't met yet.This nikka had street cred like a mug.He was well respected in the hood.Matter of fact only 3 dudes stepped to me the whole nine months I was there.
The first one was Nigel.I ain know that he was a reformed gangsta.I went from being a laid back chick from the O who enjoyed writing poetry,and dreaming big to being pursued by men with power.
I never have and I never will want someone else's blood on my hands and even though my father did some foul shit to me I had to beg for his life.He used to take photos of me and sell them to his old friends.He did alot of other sick shit but those are his sins and I gave them to God.Nigel was 28 and I was 18,he was my protector.And although I wasn't dating him he still had someone watching out for me.
Marvin was the next dude.Everyone in the Burg knew his family and the fact they all were psycho was like RUN GIRL!!!All the ladies called him Marvelous,He was just Marvin to me.I ain chase after him,matter of fact I wasnt thinking bout his ass.I was in survival mode.In the public the were saying" This bitch can't be that damn happy" and on the inside I was dead.I had nothing else to live for.What can I go home to? I have nothing. My father called home and told all kinds of lies and then told me that my family didn't want me to come home they were happy without me.
The last dude was Theodore.His father introduced me to him.He was in the Air Force and we hit it off. We dated 2 months, I got pregnant,he went to Germany,I went back to Florida and life goes on.
What's amazing is I wasn't afraid of telling my family I was pregnant.I was concerned about "him" finding out.My mom told me he came looking for me that summer.I wrote him when I came back.But it didn't feel the same.He didn't talk like he used to.He was always so happy to hear from me no matter what.When he came home for a visit we finally had an opportunity to give in to our feelings,him being the stand up guy he was,couldn't,he was about to get married and he had a baby.I felt my heart drop in my stomach. I say that because I never made anyone else feel the way I made him feel.But by him telling me he was about to get married meant that he had given his all to someone else.
Three months after I last saw him,I gave birth to my second son.This moment was bittersweet because his father was killed three months prior.Seemed like no matter what I tried to prevent it I ended up with two little girls afterward. I over heard the nay sayers saying no one is going to marry her with four children. Hmph, I looked at my Things to do my 30 list and there it was number 1.Get married by thirty.
I met a guy who started off strong,but later I found that he didn't work well under pressure.He wanted the reward,but he didn't want to put in work. If someone said something disrespectful,he would say "I ain got nothing to do with that".I would ask what can I do to make this better.his response was,"I don't know".
I asked "Why did you marry me" again he said " I don't know"
All my life I have fought for a position in someone's heart.I never punished anyone else for someone else's crime.Love is an action and well Im bursting at the seams with it so I guess it means I need to let my guard down,allow "him" in and pray that we finish this journey together.
I am no longer angry because it's not worth it.I am able to share my story with those who have lived a similar life who may not see the light at the end.I am just thankful for the experience that is called life!
Letting Go the Past Part 2
I was sick of going through all this unnecessary bull.These people where making my life a living hell.I wanted to save myself for marriage but these people had a way with words. For some reason I always felt like I had to prove a point.I wasn't having sex back then,my summer love came close twice to being my first, yet we never had a chance to.Looking back when I did loose my virginity,I didn't feel like I was loosing something sacred. I liked the guy but I didn't love him.I was becoming overwhelmed by my home life.I made was on homecoming court,no one cared.I was a Rosette of Spring,no one cared.I went to the prom,no one cared.I say my life spiral out of control and no one seemed to care.By the time I was 17 I needed some help. I was at the end of my rope.I spoke to my counselor and told her I felt like the world was closing in on my and there was no light left.In so many words she confirmed what was being said and I left there that day feeling that the world would be better without me.I had missed my bus so I had to walk home.I was suppose to ride around the field during half time. Instead I walked by the stadium and walked home.I walked in my room and pulled out letters that I had read over and over again.Thought of what might have been,then I put the letters up and I tried to think of a painless way to go.
About an hour later a man came to the house.He had been informed by my guidance counselor that I might try to hurt myself.He spoke with my aunt and then with me.
I packed my bag.(had no idea I wouldn't be needing it).
I was brought into the Lakeside Behavioral Services Unit.I had to take all my clothes off and bath from head to toe with quell,I had to give them all my personal belongings including my bra and panties.I asked why and I was told to make sure you don't try to hang yourself.
I spent almost a week in the facility.While in there I listened to others but I didn't indulge or reveal any of my pain.I just knew I would never threaten to kill myself again! The biggest slap in the face came when my aunt refused to come get me and the police threatened to put her in jail if she didn't come and get me.But then again what can you expect? They never stood by you before,so what makes this different?
I spent the next six months trying to figure out what I was going to do next.Once I turned 18 I could leave this hell hole and do what? It has been programmed on my head that no one wants you .You ain nothing.Well in my mind I'm going to prove them wrong.I placed a call I would later regret, to the only man who was suppose to love me.......My dad
About an hour later a man came to the house.He had been informed by my guidance counselor that I might try to hurt myself.He spoke with my aunt and then with me.
I packed my bag.(had no idea I wouldn't be needing it).
I was brought into the Lakeside Behavioral Services Unit.I had to take all my clothes off and bath from head to toe with quell,I had to give them all my personal belongings including my bra and panties.I asked why and I was told to make sure you don't try to hang yourself.
I spent almost a week in the facility.While in there I listened to others but I didn't indulge or reveal any of my pain.I just knew I would never threaten to kill myself again! The biggest slap in the face came when my aunt refused to come get me and the police threatened to put her in jail if she didn't come and get me.But then again what can you expect? They never stood by you before,so what makes this different?
I spent the next six months trying to figure out what I was going to do next.Once I turned 18 I could leave this hell hole and do what? It has been programmed on my head that no one wants you .You ain nothing.Well in my mind I'm going to prove them wrong.I placed a call I would later regret, to the only man who was suppose to love me.......My dad
Letting Go the Past
Looking back over my life I see a lot of things that should not have happened,but then I guess if they didn't,I wouldn't have my story.Unlike most people I don't say why me.I say why not me.I figure I was chosen to go through these trials to be an example to others,that you can go through the storm and still come out dry on the other side.
I had dreams of becoming a doctor I knew who I wanted to marry and how many kids we were going to have.I was going to write a best selling book and be on Oprah.I shared this with my family and instead of the encouragement I thought I was going to get,I was greeted with, "You ain gon be shit just like yo mammy"!"You gon have a house full of baby's and no husband"." You think you the only one that boy seeing? he too cute to be with you,you just something for him to do while he here".
I don't know why these words hurt so much,I mean I have heard them a million times before. Every time someone took a interest in me it was for the wrong reasons.They never believed in me nor have they ever tried to protect me.When I look back,I feel like I was going through a cruel initiation process,where I had to be subjected to all this evilness just to be accepted by these people.
From the age of 5-18 I was physically abused or molested. I grew up in a house where that was normal.In school they said it was wrong,at home "you's a damn lie" or,"you ain have no business walking round like that"!
I remember my Aunt used to drop me off to the babysitter and they would be playing cards and the lil old man would tell me to stick my hand in his pocket.Then he would say "squeeze it". My Godmother heard him,but she whupped my ass.Um what part did I miss?Then he would ask if I could walk across the street to his house to get some candy.She said yes,He had a room full of candy,but I couldn't leave until I let him stick his tongue in my mouth.
Looking back at it now,I was five what the hell man!He tried again,but I told him I didn't want any candy.My Godmother must have figured it out cause I never seen him over there no more,but the damage was done.
I grew up being told if you were raped it was your fault. It is never anyone's fault!The victim is never to blame!
I always felt awkward growing up. No one never really paid attention to me like they did the other girls. I was the cool chick.Later I was told that I always had a unit on my face and I didn't look like that chick.
I dated from time to time and then I met my "summer love".We were soul mates from the beginning.I would count the days till he would return back the O.He may have been playing for the summer,but I was playing for keeps.Many days I was told how he was too cute to want to talk to me.I was just something for him to do.What hurt the most was being told that "every town furnishes it's own port". Meaning "You are not his one and only, you just his back up."
I carried a lot of hurt and pain but none more greater than the one I would feel when the one man who was never ever supposed to hurt me killed my soul and my spirit. My Father........
I had dreams of becoming a doctor I knew who I wanted to marry and how many kids we were going to have.I was going to write a best selling book and be on Oprah.I shared this with my family and instead of the encouragement I thought I was going to get,I was greeted with, "You ain gon be shit just like yo mammy"!"You gon have a house full of baby's and no husband"." You think you the only one that boy seeing? he too cute to be with you,you just something for him to do while he here".
I don't know why these words hurt so much,I mean I have heard them a million times before. Every time someone took a interest in me it was for the wrong reasons.They never believed in me nor have they ever tried to protect me.When I look back,I feel like I was going through a cruel initiation process,where I had to be subjected to all this evilness just to be accepted by these people.
From the age of 5-18 I was physically abused or molested. I grew up in a house where that was normal.In school they said it was wrong,at home "you's a damn lie" or,"you ain have no business walking round like that"!
I remember my Aunt used to drop me off to the babysitter and they would be playing cards and the lil old man would tell me to stick my hand in his pocket.Then he would say "squeeze it". My Godmother heard him,but she whupped my ass.Um what part did I miss?Then he would ask if I could walk across the street to his house to get some candy.She said yes,He had a room full of candy,but I couldn't leave until I let him stick his tongue in my mouth.
Looking back at it now,I was five what the hell man!He tried again,but I told him I didn't want any candy.My Godmother must have figured it out cause I never seen him over there no more,but the damage was done.
I grew up being told if you were raped it was your fault. It is never anyone's fault!The victim is never to blame!
I always felt awkward growing up. No one never really paid attention to me like they did the other girls. I was the cool chick.Later I was told that I always had a unit on my face and I didn't look like that chick.
I dated from time to time and then I met my "summer love".We were soul mates from the beginning.I would count the days till he would return back the O.He may have been playing for the summer,but I was playing for keeps.Many days I was told how he was too cute to want to talk to me.I was just something for him to do.What hurt the most was being told that "every town furnishes it's own port". Meaning "You are not his one and only, you just his back up."
I carried a lot of hurt and pain but none more greater than the one I would feel when the one man who was never ever supposed to hurt me killed my soul and my spirit. My Father........
Monday, May 23, 2011
True Love
I'm amazed at how much things have changed yet they seem to remain the same. Have you ever longed for someone so bad that you could feel their presence around you? And when you finally reconnect, it's as though they never left the room.When you can talk about certain things and they are willing to listen and not judge you then you have found your "rock". When they are instrumental in pushing you to be the best you can be, and they are willing to catch you when you when fall, you have found your "hero".
Many times we over look what we need and seek what we want, only to turn around and pray that our needs will be met. When the pain sets in and hurt settles in for a stay,you pray your rock will come and protect you.
You may be apart for years, but you will not be reconnected by chance. You will enter each others life in order to have a second chance to finish what you started. Nothing in life is easy,it takes hard work and determination.
Our souls have search the world until they could connect.Now the flesh is awaiting the opportunity to do the same. Real love does not die.
I will wait for you, with the understanding that I must be loyal and true.I promise to respect you as a person as well as a man and to know my place as a woman.
After all, I was created from you,to be your help mate
To stand with you and to honor you.
Divalicious
Many times we over look what we need and seek what we want, only to turn around and pray that our needs will be met. When the pain sets in and hurt settles in for a stay,you pray your rock will come and protect you.
You may be apart for years, but you will not be reconnected by chance. You will enter each others life in order to have a second chance to finish what you started. Nothing in life is easy,it takes hard work and determination.
Our souls have search the world until they could connect.Now the flesh is awaiting the opportunity to do the same. Real love does not die.
I will wait for you, with the understanding that I must be loyal and true.I promise to respect you as a person as well as a man and to know my place as a woman.
After all, I was created from you,to be your help mate
To stand with you and to honor you.
Divalicious
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